theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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