the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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