I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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