I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
