You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
