I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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