he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
