Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
