Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
