he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
