i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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