shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
