covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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