if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
