my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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