I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
