I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
