smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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