I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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