I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
