Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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