Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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