Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
