Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
