You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left