and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
