I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
