: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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