so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
