Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think people are normalizing furries
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
