They should really pass out barf bags in church
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
