I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
