Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
