so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
