Is it because I queefed?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
