You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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