His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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