Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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