Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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