So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
