walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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