Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
