My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
