I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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