The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
