And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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