I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
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Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
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holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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