She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
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I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
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YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?