my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
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We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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