Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
