I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
