just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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