My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
