dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
