Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
